Why Tookie had to die

A letter to Tookie from the office of the Governor, Allman Baitenswitchenegger

Dear Tookie,

I feel the need to send you a personal letter rather than the usual form letters so many governors send out these days to the people they’ve had to execute. To be perfectly honest, killing people is not something I find pleasant. When I was still making movies I started looking around for non-violent scripts. You wouldn’t believe the parts I had to turn down.

So now you’re off to your next life. I hope this one turns out better than the last.

But before you set completely off on your way there are a few things I’d like to get off my chest. You know, a sort of man-to-man talk.

I know that when that needle was stuck into your arm you were a changed man. There’s nothing all that hard for me to accept about that. Hell, you’d be pretty revolted if I told you how I used to treat women on the sets of my movies.

What I’m trying to say, Tookie, is that this wasn’t anything personal. Your execution was something that our way of life requires, pure and simple.

This is, after all, December, the month we begin the celebration of human sacrifice; and right now the state of the Empire requires a great deal of sacrifice. And it has nothing to do with screwing the poor to serve the interests of rich people like me or any of that liberal crap. It has to do with the way the world works and has always worked. We bomb cities, we shoot families in their cars, we drop white phosphorous on people and burn them down to the bone, we torture and imprison whomever we can get our hands on, we let people live in sub-standard housing, we let children go to crappy schools and we ice poor dumb bastards like you.

Why?

Look, let’s be honest. Our economic system can only do so much. And if we can’t universally provide decent jobs, good schools, a living wage, medical insurance, affordable housing and real public transportation, then we have to use something else to keep people in line. You know what I mean. Mindless entertainment, boring one-dimensional politics and terror!

I wish it didn’t have to be this way but what can you do?

Yours sincerely,

-Gov. Allman Baitenswitchenegger