I don't want to alarm everyone but a ten thousand pound spy satellite is hurtling toward earth and is expected to enter the atmosphere in late February or early March. The good news is that it may hit North America. Others may be concerned about this but I intend to take advantage of the situation. My plan is to drive my car into position by listening to the radio while using binoculars (which may prove dangerous but I’m willing to take the risk) so that parts of the falling satellite will destroy my car. The military will then have to pay me for a new one. If I’m successful, within the next few months I’ll be behind the wheel of one of those new, clean buring and gas effcient hybrids. Of course, I will have to take my case to the highest court of the land, Judge Judy.
It could go something like this.
Judge Judy: "If I understand your written statements correctly Mr. ... Hastart?"
Me: "Hazard, your honor."
JJ: "What kind of a name is that?"
Me: "It’s my name!"
JJ: "Whatever. Just tell the court what happened."
Me: "On the night in question…"
JJ: (Banging her gavel and scowling) "And no legal mumbo jumbo either, I’ll thank you."
Me: "Right, your honor. I was driving along, minding my own business, when suddenly I saw what looked like a fireball in the sky. I jumped out of my car just in time to avoid certain death. My car was left in smoldering ruins."
JJ: "According to eye-witness accounts you were standing in front of a 7-11, drinking a slurpee and telling people that your car was about to be hit by a spy satellite."
Me: "That’s how they remember it. Actually, I may have been drinking a Coke."
JJ: "General Gene Renuart,, you are someone who, like me, has made something of himself, unlike Mr. Hamard here. However much I may despise the working poor and the lower middle class we do sometimes have to respect their rights so that we don’t get in trouble. This man’s 1999 Saturn was destroyed by your satellite. What are you prepared to do about it?"
General: "Your honor, we have reason to believe that it was not our satellite that destroyed Mr. Haymarket’s car. We have evidence to indicate that it was actually the flaming, falling debris of Rudy Giuliani’s presidential campaign that caused the wreckage."
Me: "Oh you have got to be kidding! Your honor…"
General: "A campaign button was found melted onto the roof of the car."
Me: "That could have been from John Edwards!"
JJ: "Mr. Heaver, I’ve heard just about enough from you. As to you, General, give me a break."
General: "While admitting no responsibility, your honor, the military is prepared to make a generous donation to Mr, Helda-a 1990 Honda Civic that only has 90,000 miles on it and a very clean interior."
Me: "It’s Hazard, you dimwit, and there’s no way I’m driving a beat up Honda Civic."
JJ: "No one said you have to drive it, Mr. Howzer. What you do with it is up to you."
Me: "Your honor, the military sucks 700 billion dollars out of our economy each year. Half the discretionary spending goes to maintaining our military-industrial empire, a system that makes it possible for rich people like you to own almost everything. I mean, the richest one percent own over a trillion dollars more than the bottom 90 percent. They can do better than a measly Honda Civic."
JJ: "Mr. Hertzer, you are out of order! This court exists to placate poor, uneducated trailer trash and not listen to political speeches. Take the car and get out of my courtroom.
"Next!"
Maybe I should rethink my plan.
