I am trembling with so much excitement that I can barely keep my fingers from dancing off the keyboard; but I want to be among the first bloggers to announce with undisguised glee that President George W. Bush has been arrested. Arrested! Led off to jail in handcuffs! It seems like a dream come true; but those of you who, like me, tuned into last night’s To Catch a Predator, know that this time I’m not the victim of yet another insane delusion. It was all captured on live television! I am not only among the first to write about this historic event, I will be the first to offer on the internet the transcript of what took place.
Chris Hansen: Over a month ago members of Perverted Justice began tracking an unusual exchange of messages in a so-called Washington insider chat room between YoungTimmyIntern and a mysterious visitor known only as BiggerThanMyDad. The messages were unsavory and unsettling; but what was even more shocking was the true identity of BiggerThanMyDad. As we wait for him to arrive, we want to give you a glimpse into a truly dark and frightening mind. Sensitive viewers are warned that this is graphic material and may not be suitable for minors.
YoungTimmyIntern: Do you think you could bring the Constitution?
BiggerThanMyDad: Oh yeah…
Young: I mean the real thing.
Bigger: I got a key, I can get it, the real thing and, that, the other thing the bill of bill of
Young: rights?
Bigger: thats it, the bill of rites thing I can bring that two
Young: too?
Bigger: to, yeah
Young: got my dad’s zippo
Bigger: Oh man, yeah, like thats cool, uh? I can bring over a hole can of liter fluid
Young: whole you mean?
Bigger: and then we can get into that eran thing
Young: Iran?
Bigger: yeah, iran, rite, you like war movies?
Young: what kind?
Bigger: anything with john wayne. Green Berets. Bitchin movie
Young: yeah…tell me about Iran
Bigger: well put you know like a bunch of fony stories in the times just some crap you know to throw everone off
Young: everyone?
Bigger: you get my drift?
Young: yeah, you’ll have to come over when my parents won’t be here, so you bring the Constitution and all that stuff, okay?
Bigger: oh yeah, yeah…
[Cut away to the front door as a knock is heard. A short, chubby woman, making herself sound like a young Congressional intern, calls out, “I have to change my shirt. Come on in.” The door slowly opens. President Bush, looking slowly around, cautiously steps in. He has a bundle of papers in one hand and a can of lighter fluid in the other.]
Bush: Timmy?
[Enter Chris Hansen]
Hansen: Mr. President, can I ask you what you’re doing with the Constitution?
Bush: Consti, Consti, wha, who…
Hansen: And the lighter fluid?
Bush: That’s uh, I was going to smoke. I mean not me. Timmy he, he said he wanted to smoke and uh, we’d discuss the Constitution, you see, it’s just a piece of paper and so we were going to, uh, have a, have a talk about the folks who, the evil doers!
[Bush, in a sudden panic at the appearance of television cameras, bolts out the door. Screams are heard outside. “Cheney, save me! Executive privilege. I’m the Commander and Chief!“]
Ah, now wasn’t that a lot better than the Oscars?
